guaranTEE

Sup y'all

Repar T here to tell you about The Original, Outrageous, Genuine, Lifetime reparTEE GuaranTEE. You’ve never seen a guarantee like this. I guarantee it.

The Original, Outrageous, Genuine, Lifetime, Coolest, Sexiest, Most Reliable reparTEE GuaranTEE
Every reparTEE is GuaranTEED to be the coolest, sexiest, most reliable t-shirt you have ever worn. Just put it on and look in a mirror where you know you look good, and you’ll just know. You’ll be able to see it. If you don’t, it’s probably a defective mirror. Keep wearing your reparTEE, and look sideways in all the storefront windows as you pass by, make sure you check out yourself in public restroom mirrors, and be sure to at least take a leak when you go to the doctor’s office so you can used their mirror. Dentist office restroom mirrors are pretty good, too. You’ll eventually see it. GuaranTEED.

The Original, Outrageous, Genuine, Lifetime, Confidentiality reparTEE GuaranTEE
reparTEES are better than BFFs because you can tell them anything and they’ll never repeat it. In fact, we are so certain about this, we can confidently say you will have the urge to tell someone your deepest, darkest secret before your reparTEE will ever let such a thought materialize. When this happens, you can, in your moment of weakness, just put on your reparTEE and be inspired to stay mum.

The Original, Outrageous, Genuine, Lifetime, Coolest, Never-at-a-loss-for-words reparTEE GuaranTEE
Even if you are unsure of what to say, your reparTEE will never be at a loss for words. Your reparTEE will start conversations with strangers and introduce you to new friends from day one. We even have a few designs that specialize in starting arguments with insecure jerks and offending narcissistic creeps.

The Original, Outrageous, Genuine, Lifetime, Coolest, Experience reparTEE GuaranTEE
The more you wear a reparTEE, the more experienced it becomes and, as you know, experience is is much more important than an MBA or PhD. You’ll be able to tell your reparTEE is getting experience. It’s something you just know, even in the absence of overt evidence* like wine or coffee stains, streaks of snot or slobber, and spots of grease from being used as an oven rag while cooking gourmet meals for your lover. If your reparTEE ever fails to become more experienced, it will develop a case of imposter’s syndrome and pretend to be experienced. In other words, it it guaranTEED to fake-it-till-it-makes-it. You’ll never even know.
*Note: Holes, fading, stains, spots and other imperfections are not considered flaws or defects. They are more appropriately referred to as ‘experience’ and represent ‘character’ in the best sense of the word.

The Original, Outrageous, Genuine, Lifetime, Rejection reparTEE GuaranTEE
They only speak for you. If you ever change your mind and want to abandon your reparTEE, send it back and we’ll refund your money. We take this kind of rejection seriously. When your rejected ReparTee arrives back at our headquarters, we will have already scheduled a session with one of the renowned Apparel Therapists from Heal Team Six who practice a form of ‘beginnersmind’ that helps your rejected reparTEE forget all about you and what an asshole you are. In fact, before they are done with your reparTEE’S rehabilitation, you will have become insignificant and irrelevant background noise. Then see who feels rejected.

The Original, Outrageous, Genuine, Lifetime, Loyalty reparTEE GuaranTEE
reparTEES are loyal to a fault. Your reparTEES will be there between you any situation you can get yourself into. Literally. It stands up to bullies of all shapes and sizes. If your ReparTee ever leaves you in the lurch or throws you under the bus—it’s truly unthinkable, but just in case—report it immediately, and we’ll use it as a prototype for a new line of DisloyalTEES and make you the owner of the business, because obviously it’s all your fault and you deserve yourself. Karma is only a bitch if you are.

The Original, Outrageous, Genuine, Lifetime, Antifragile reparTEE GuaranTEE
reparTEES are beyond resilient. reparTEES have been designed to break down social barriers in any context or milieu. reparTEES are comfortable in any situation, from your favorite taco truck to church with your relatives, from bowling to baccarat at Bellagio, from campfires to canapés with connoisseurs, from the local roadhouse to the White House. If you’re ever in doubt, go with a reparTEE. Your reparTEE is way better than a date with a movie star because they’ll go home with you, and be there in the morning to drink coffee or tea with you, and help you get through your hangover.

The Original, Outrageous, Genuine, Lifetime, Lucky reparTEE GuaranTEE
Because of all the above GuaranTees of reparTEES, reparTEES can change your life. For example, if you are the kind of person whose bread always falls on the buttered side, a reparTEE can help you figure out how to butter the other side. The truth is, you have to make your own luck, but reparTEES can help you with that. All you have to do is assume, you don’t even have to believe. In fact, I think it was Thomas Jefferson famously said, “I am a great believer in luck and find that the more I wear my reparTEE, the luckier I get.” Over in ancient Greece, it was the notable Stoic philosopher, Seneca who said this one: “Luck is what happens when preparation meets a reparTEE.” Or this inspired bit of wisdom from a famous philosopher named, Anonymous: “Your reparTEE puts you where good luck can find you.” But, if you don’t believe, just ask anyone who considers themselves to be a failure if they wear a reparTEE. I’m telling you, no one who considers themselves a failure wears a reparTEE. It just doesn’t happen.

All this may sound preposterous to some, but really, it’s only people who have never owned a reparTEE who don’t understand. People who already own reparTEES already know the truth. You can’t lose with a reparTEE. The are literally the most valuable article of apparel you will ever own.

After all, all reparTEES are GuaranTeed by The Original, Outrageous, Genuine, Lifetime, reparTEE GuaranTEE.

So, what are your options if you ever feel like your ReparTee has fallen short of this GuaranTee. Of course, you’ll have to send your ReparTee back to us. It’s really simple.

  1. Make sure you are willing to risk your reputation by becoming known as someone who didn’t bond with their reparTEE.
  2. Dream up a potentially viral social media stunt designed to let the world know of your complaint by getting the attention of not only all your friends, but all your enemies, your parents, your relatives, your former BFFs, and your exes. You can chose any social media platform.
  3. Your stunt must meet the following criteria:
    • It can either be free publicity or paid advertising for reparTEES: you pay all direct and indirect costs, especially reputation costs.
    • It must mention the The Original, Outrageous, Genuine, Lifetime, reparTEE GuaranTEE
    • It must be accompanied by a photo of you wearing your reparTEE
    • It has to make you look like an idiot
    • After that is when you send, at your expense, your reparTEE back to us for adoption. Fortunately, we have a long list of compassionate, kind, empathetic, sensitive, considerate, warm, loving, humane, big-hearted volunteers standing by to adopt rejected reparTEES.
  4. That’s all there is to it. We’ll handle it from there.

Your pen pal,
Repar T

photo credits:

Photo by Christian Buehner on Unsplash