Image of Elon Musk generated by Stable Diffusion AI
Stamp postmarked Boone, North Carolina, 17 Sep 2022

Rocket Man

PO Box 341886

Lakeway, TX 78734


Mars or Bust!

Dear Rocket Man,

Sup bruh…

Damn, dude. You really stepped in a steaming pile of it this time.

You act like you’re just fucking bored, dude. Just creating drama for the sake of drama. Making babies, saying you’re just doing your part to prevent population collapse, buying social media networks. Crap, dude, you seem to have forgotten your ‘rocket man’ mission.

I have to admit, I’m kinda worried about you. dude. You’re acting like you’re lost. Seems like you’ve let yourself be completely distracted by your own distractions. You have to get it back together, man.

All the fucking companies you’re supposedly running. Damn, bruh, you must have some fucking mindless boards of directors if they’re willing to let you run around without adult supervision.

Listen, you know me. I’m all about the ‘Big Kid’ archetype. Part of my morning routine is to head over to Poetry for Big Kids right after I read Dilbert. That’s with my first cup of coffee, bruh! That’s before I even think about scanning the headlines for your name. Priority one!

Here’s the thing, bruh. Everybody loves it when the ‘Big Kid’ is the hero, but dude, for the ‘Big Kid’ to be the hero, there has to be at least one redeeming quality, and you just don’t fucking have one, dude.

So, let’s indulge in a little ‘first principles’ thinking here. You won’t ever be the hero until you get at least one redeeming quality. You’ve got your head so far up your own ass you’ll need a proctologist to clean your teeth.

The big problem I see, dude, is your lack of focus. You’re not even seeing what’s right in front of you. I mean, you’ve got your head up your ass, dude. You got to get yourself back on track, bruh!

So listen. I’ve been thinking…

I don’t think there are going to really be any hyper loops except for the ones servicing underground cities built by the Boring Company. You need to start your own series of underground cities, like huge ant beds for people. They’ll be like escape tunnels where going in is the way to escape.

Dude, that’s how fucked up things are.

If you get started now, you’ll be ahead of the curve cuz in a few years, it will be the only way to avoid all the natural disasters happening on the surface. I guarantee you it will be more popular than the fucking Metaverse. Mark will be pissed. That alone should be enough motivation for you, bruh. You’ve done plenty that was less logical.

But wait, there’s more!!

All this boring will just be practice for Mars. It will be good practice, dude. You can work out all the kinks of building underground cities here on Earth. Plus it would actually be something useful. That could be your redeeming quality, bruh!

Saving humanity from itself. No that’s fucking hero-worthy shit, dude!

Instead, you’re spending 44 billion on a fucking social media platform. What the fuck, bruh!

Dude, this whole Twitter shit show was totally avoidable. But then, people who’ve known you for awhile know this is what you do and you would be like this no matter how much money you had or didn’t have.

I mean, dude, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking 99.9% of court cases settle, and most of them are for peanuts. You’ll be able to squeak out of this shitstorm with Twitter, or…

And this is where your past betrays you, bruh. Naturally, you’ll try to create a major fucking distraction.

If you really want to create a distraction, here’s a thought. This would be the perfect time to blast off on test trip to Mars, dude. You don’t even have to land. If the fucking court ever wants to serve you with papers, they’d have to serve you in space. And you control who gets on those rocket ships which will only be launching every two years or so. Bruh. This is perfect for you. If I didn’t like ‘Rocket Man’ so much I’d start calling you ‘King ‘O.’ As in King o’ Distractions. Although I have to admit, you’ve got some serious competition in that department from DJT.

But, speaking of missions to Mars…

I am having a lot of success recruiting volunteers for your mission to Mars. More and more people are thinking things are going to get really bad here on Earth, and want to get the fuck out of here on the first available rocket ship.

We have seen a strong surge in folks interested in making the journey since Michio Kaku explicitly said we need a new planet and Mars is the first stop. Here’s a link to the video if you haven’t seen it yet.

When you get ready to take-off and discover you need a little more help, just look around. The volunteers will all be wearing a reparTEES design from the Rocket Man collection that declares, ‘Mars or Bust.’ Some of them probably even work for you already, so they really do have some idea how bad things can get.

It’s our first release in Rocket Man collection.

Check it out…
mars or bust 01

This is Ruben. In this photo, he’s describing how it will feel to step on Mars soil for the first time and realize he probably won’t ever get to go back to Earth. But he is completely committed to it. No holding back. His only concern is that he might have to lose some weight to qualify.

mars or bust 02

Suzanne is telling us about how the conversation will go when she tells her parents she’s going to Mars. She had us rolling on the floor. If she doesn’t make it to Mars, she probably has a career in standup and improve. Her impression of her mom is priceless.

mars or bust 03

This is Rose Etta rocking the ‘Mars or bust’ premium hoodie. She’s kinda cold-natured and loves that thing. She says she’s going to wear it to work as a mini skirt.

mars or bust 04

Chester is telling the crew about his space helmet collection, and offering to go home and get helmets for everyone. He got started collecting space helmets when he was nine-years old when he found  and original Gemini program helmet at a flea market in a little town north of Huntsville, AL when he was visiting his grandma for the summer. He plans to donate them to the Museum of Flight out in Seattle before he leaves for Mars.

Hey, bruh! On a side note, if you happen to run into Ed Catcall when you’re out partying, see if you can get him to design a minimalist spacesuit for Buzz Lightyear. Sure would be great to see Buzz covering his manly chest with a ‘Mars or Bust’ reparTEE. What do you think?

BTW, some of the volunteers have been wondering what they should be doing to get ready besides wearing the ‘Mars or Bust’ t-shirt.

They’re asking questions like, “Should I start working out?” and “We will be able to have sex, won’t we?. A lot of people are wondering if Twitter will be the only social network. I told them it would probably be the only form of communication. I mean, 44 billion. But what the fuck, dude. Easy come, easy go! Right?

Anyway, it’s not too early to start thinking about these things? Plus, if you were thinking about shit like this, it would be evidence of more focus than you’re currently showing.

Just one more thing, bruh. There’s a growing faction of ‘off-worlders’ who are advocating Europa as a destination. You should keep an eye on this crowd. They want to just blow past Mars, dude.

But here’s another opportunity right the fuck in front of you, dude. Get to Mars first, and you can have a place for them to get out and stretch their legs, do a little sight-seeing before heading on out to Jupiter.

Focus, bruh!

Your Pen Pal,

Repar T

P.S. Dude! Speaking of interplanetary travel, I thought you’d be interested to know, ReparTees are the only t-shirts in the solar system that are GuaranTEED For Life with the ReparTees Original Lifetime GuaranTEE. Isn’t that cool! Everyone on the Mars mission should have at least one. Plus, the lifetime GuaranTEE is good anywhere in the solar system. How cool is that?

photo credits:

Rocket Man by Stable Diffusion