Repar T here to tell you about returns.
Defects in product materials or workmanship:
In the unlikely event you receive a reparTEE that is defective in some way, it may be returned within 14 days, and will be promptly replaced with another reparTEE of the same size, style and design at no cost to you.
If you want to return a reparTEE because you didn’t think your choice through, tough shit. However, you can turn this into a powerful lesson and an opportunity to experience immense personal growth. Just let me know how pissed off you are, and I’ll sign you up for the free reparTEES email course entitled, I fucked up, now what?
Damaged in transit:
If something arrives damaged, send a photo of the damaged goods to, email@example.com, and we’ll gladly send a replacement at no cost to you.
Lost in transit:
For packages lost in transit, all claims must be submitted no later than 14 days after the estimated delivery date. But no worries! We’ll cover the costs of reprinting and shipping a replacement order for you.
We may ask for your help before doing that, like confirming your that shipping address was correct. We’d also like to know what you discovered when you contacted the shipping carrier to try locating the lost order.
Keep in mind that if tracking information states an order was delivered but you still maintain you haven’t received it, we’ll have a great opportunity to get to know each other better. Let’s both promise to be kind to each other during that process.
If your package is returned to our facility because you gave the wrong address when you submitted your order, we’ve got your back. reparTEES will pay to reship it to you. No problemo. Everyone screws up now and then.
If your package was inadvertently delivered to the wrong address, and some asshole kept it, you have a unique opportunity to make a new friend. Go over and introduce yourself. Maybe bring some snacks or a couple of carbonated beverages. Take a walk together and admire the beauty of nature. If they look really good in your reparTEE, you may just want to officially make it a gift. Either way, if you make a cool video of the whole experience and send it to us, giving us usage rights, whether you got your reparTEE back or not, I’ll send you a free reparTEE and a bar of dark chocolate.
Please be patient with us. This procedure has never been tested since we have never had a defect. I’m not bragging. I’m actually a little uncomfortable because this is unknown territory. We tried to create a defective reparTEE once, just so we could test this procedure, but couldn’t do it. That makes so this is what is known as a theoretical process. Theoretically, flaws in reparTEES are theoretically possible in the same way that in theory there is no difference between theory and practice, while in practice there is. It will happen at some point…
Here is our best approximation of the correct procedure to use based on the the latest Theory of Possible Mechanical Outcomes of Unobservable Phenomena in Implied Quantum Constructs.
Here’s what to do:
1. Contact us by email so we can alert our scientists to the possibility of an attempted return. Use this heretofore unused email address: returns@reparTEES.xyz
2. We’ll respond with a set of precise instructions.
3. Follow the precise instructions precisely.
4. We’ll be in touch with a return authorization irrational number* (RAIN) if your return is approved. If not, we’ll get back to you with elaborate condolences and will be prepared to commiserate with you about how unfair life is. We’ll even help you find a way to blame it on someone else if you come prepared with a list of people you don’t like. While we’re unlikely to do any gnashing of teeth in the biblical sense, our authentic remorse will go above and beyond any you’re likely to receive anywhere else.
*Please note RAIN calculations are abstract processes that require theoretical quantum computations within a Mandelbrot set based on the last decimal place Schrödinger’s cat pooped before you got pissed off. What makes this so complicated is Schrödinger’s cat could have been dead the last time it pooped. Since these calculations have never been done before, there is a bit of Heisenberg-style uncertainty inherent in achieving the precise degree of irrationality to achieve a return, but we’ll eat a bunch of mushrooms and give it our best shot.
Approved returns should be shipped to ‘reparTEES returns’ at the following addresses.
—Packages sent out from our US and Mexico fulfillment centers are returned to our Charlotte facility: reparTEES returns, 11201 Ed Brown Rd, Charlotte, North Carolina, 28273.
—Packages sent out from our facility in Canada are returned to: reparTEE returns, Unit 3, 3500 Laird Rd, Mississauga, ON L5L 5Y4 Canada.
—Packages sent out from our Latvian facilities are automatically returned to reparTEES returns, Plienciema 5, Marupe, Marupes novads, LV-2167, Latvia.
—Packages sent out from our Spanish facility are automatically returned to reparTEES returns, Travessía Prat de la Riba, 91-95, 08849 Sant Climent de Llobregat, Barcelona, Spain.
—Packages sent out from our UK facility are returned to: reparTEES returns, Antar 2, 1 Headway Road, Wolverhampton, WV10 6PZ.
—Packages fulfilled by our partner facilities in Australia are returned to: reparTEES returns, 40 Tanimbla Street, Kedron, Queensland 4031, Australia
—Packages fulfilled by our partner facilities in Japan are returned to: reparTEES returns, Komiyaji 817-3, Shinwamachi, Amakusa, Kumamoto prefecture, 863-0101 Japan
—Packages fulfilled by our partner facility in Brazil are returned to: reparTEES returns, Rodovia Santos Dumont, 4791 (Antigo KM 3,5), Armazém 111, Galpão 02, Empreendimento Caxias Park. Parque Paulista. CEP 25251-460. Duque de Caxias – RJ, Brasil.
Damn, I didn’t know returns we so fucking complicated.
Just remember, you’re better off with the wrong reparTEE than no reparTEE at all, and everything will work out.
Your pen pal,
Photo by Christian Buehner on Unsplash