Repar T here to tell you about ‘unfree shipping.’

Hang out on your front porch and wait for the next UPS driver to show up—it won’t take longer than trying to get a real person on the line from the DOT, I promise—with a package for you and ask them if they do that shit for free.

You know what they’ll say?

From their perspective, it’s pretty damn close to free, because they’re way the fuck underpaid for what they do in all kinds of weather. These men and women really are essential workers. And most of them have a damn good attitude most of the time.

But the truth is, and this should not come as a shock to you, but free shipping doesn’t exist. It’s a little psychological ploy marketers cooked up for gullible consumers.

Look at it this way. Demanding free shipping is a way to let businesses know how gullible you are so they know who is more exploitable.

There, I’ve let the cat out of the bag, and it just went right back in there. What is the deal with cats and paper bags?

Wanting free shipping is the same attitude humans use when we pump oil out of the ground without giving something positive back to the Earth in exchange. It’s the same attitude con men have when they exploit gullible people. It’s wanting to extract value without contributing value in return. It’s a sickness unique to humans and we really do need to find a cure for it.

Nothing is the only thing that’s free, but fortunately, there’s plenty of that for everyone. You can even hoard it if you want to. Knock yourself out.

We all need to grow the fuck up about free shit, and acknowledge our obsession with free rides has to come to an end. It was always an illusion.

You know exactly how the free shipping scam works. The supplier charges more to cover the shipping, so you’re paying for it anyway.

With ‘unfree shipping’ we show you what we pay for shipping and that’s what we charge you. If actually paying for the shipping rather than patting yourself on the back for being able to pretend the free-shipping fairy made a special deal just for you, is too painful, I’m not going to argue with you. There are plenty of companies out there who are willing to pretend along with you—for a profit, of course—so go for it.

Here’s the scoop on ‘unfree shipping.’ I’m constantly on the lookout for better shipping rates, but fuel prices are rising, and drivers need to feed their families in the face of rising inflation and a host of other insanity-laced predicaments.

The way I see it, they are unfluencers just like you and me. We unfluencers need to stick together and support each other.

My promise to you is I will only charge the lowest shipping rates I can find, and I will never mark them up.

Your pen pal,
Repar T

P.S. If you still can’t wrap your head around this, and insist on free shipping, contact me directly because I’ve got a lot of shit in my basement I need to get rid of, and it’s all for sale with free shipping.

RT